Shark Attack 3 Megalodon

We are nearing the end of the lazy summer season and its heat wave and procrastination before the drudgery of September kicks in is at an all time high, so the more mind-numbing the film the better to ease the pressure. It’s the perfect moment to catch up on all those so-bad-they’re-good cinema classics, from the more obscure to the increasingly popular thanks to the main actor’s ever growing fame like Shark Attack 3 : Megalodon. It was in that spirit that I sat down yesterday night and watched it. I had heard so much about it that I assumed viewing it would be a massive anticlimax and I never thought I could be anymore surprised!

Let us start with the lead characters: dashing hero Ben (John Barrowman -how did he end up there?- smiling so intensely I’m surprised his face hadn’t cracked by the sorry end, although he is dashing, you have to give him that) tries at pain to extract human expression from companion and frigid scientist Jenny, who, even as she screams, looks inanely bored. Add to that a pair of evil businessmen, a retired NAVY officer, and the obligatory friends-of-the-heroes-first-ones-to-be-eaten and you have your cheerful crowd chasing around a big shark and his mum, of varying sizes depending on the sequel, making up the basic storyline.

This alone would be enough to condemn Shark Attack 3 – Megalodon to a high place on the scale of mediocrity, but the spectacularly daft lines take it up so many notches it’s off the charts. Here are a few tasters: “you’re extinct, fucker” says leading female character to baby shark as she shoots it in the head as the lead male character strikes it with a baseball bat (don’t try this at home). Here is another wise maxim: “Assholes are never happy” and last but not least the most famous line: “I’m so wired, what do you say I take you home and…” (you’ll have to check which DVD you’ve got, the ending of the sentence is slightly different on the HBO version and on the original but suffice to say it gets a little blue…)

The special effects are at least consistent with the general quality of the script and goofs and factual errors are so numerous they might as well have been intentional. All this contributes to rank Shark Attack 3 : Megalodon as one of the top Z movies. In fact, in part thanks to Barrowman’s constant presence on our screens -not that we mind one bit- it has become something of a classic of the genre: if you can watch the entire thing without having your sides splitting from laughter, you’re probably as emotionally stunted as that scientist. My advice is this: if you’re feeling low and need a good laugh, watch it, it’s worth it!

Dir: David Worth, 2002